chorn_man

Unrelated!

I havent posted in ages- that's such a good thing cause now I have so many creative writing juices to let spill!
Spent today doing fffuuuuuuuu- kall, well I did slay a mighty lizard lord with the help of my drawvern monk firend which is good,, and then a REAL lizard came into my room and I was all like "Just GO AWAY LIZARD! nobody want you here! just go" So in answer to your question Jess, YES- i do talk to things.
Then I went and saw my chicken (I killed one of them yesterday because I felt like it), it was so sad alone after I killed her sisster - so i killed her too. Not without letting it suffer of course!

Kim and chris invitied me to there threesome barbeque tonight except my phone had been off for 2 days and it turned out that the BBQ was actually last night and so I felt like a fool.

And thats whats new today in the life of Ben.

In other news: My mouth tastes like garlic because I just made chips with gralic and parsley Aoli! I used too much garlic and now all the vamps are dead and sookie is mine.

And in weather: I hate this weather, its all moist and damp like your mum. Im just not in the mood for everything feeling like an extra absobant sponge which has just extra absorbed some kind of extra absorbable fluid.

And in small boy news: Im gonna steal my wii back, that Krishna has had it for long enough I think!

NEWSFLASH! I must remember to give that cup to chris smith tonight when I go see him tonight- i think were watching the lion king? I dont realy want to watch the lion king. Steve will also be there, apprently he jumped off a cliff recently and lost one of his front teeth.

I would like to think that I am typing for a reason, but really im just filling time!

THANKS FOR WATCHING

So yeah, THE BOOSH!
Happy haloween to you all! I was GOING to go to a halloween party the other night but I was way too tired after waking up at 5am to wait in line out side borders for two and a half hours playing cards with strangers- The card game was "Guess the card!" in which one person holds a card and the others ave to guess which card it is! FUN TIMES- Then i made a card tower FOUR STORIES HIGH! ive never done that before! FOUR can you believe it

AND DEN i got my armband
AND DEN i went and saw UP in 3D! SEOND-3D MOVIE- EVER, except this time i went with other people! I almost cried at the beginnings, (in case anyone hasnt told you allready, your hopes are instantly crushed within the first 15 minutes)
AND DEN we saw michael jackson dancers in the middle of the main street doing thriller! It was neato cool! one of the girl was dressed as Michael and at the end all the other hot lady zombies where clawing at her legs/butt, so it ended up more or less Jacksonzombielesbo porn, but thats good too! YOU KNOW!

AND DEN AND DEN AND DEN! WE LINED UP FOR ANOTHER 2 HOURS TO MEET THE BOOSH! We walked slowly SLOWLY to the top floor of borders and there they where! seeing Dave Browns forehead trhough the crowd was the most exciting things ever! (even though i thought it was Rich Fulchers forhead) I couldnt stop smilling, and i couldnt decide weather i should get my named signed as Ben or Benjamin! OMG, i chose ben, and then I saw them in the flesh AND THEN I HEARD RICH'S VOICE, AND THEN I HEARD NOEL VOICE AND ALMOST CRAPPED A PANCAKE! im pretty sure i squealed for the first time in my entire life.
I looked behind myself at one point where i realised that i was clearly ALOT more excitied than everyone else, probably casuse most people there had allready seen them live in concert.
The others (And when i say the other i mean the two girl i met in line and went to the movies with- sarah (yes i know!) and heather) where like "OMG THEY ACTUALLY EXIST!" and I was tempted to organise a celebratory jump hug, but refrained.
After 2 hour here was this MASSIVE bouncer dude teling us which page to open so they could sign, then as soon as i was anywhere near I looked noel right in his eyes and said "Hey Noel, can i have a hi five?" and he was like, "yeah, sure" and I admit the Hi five was a bit soft on his half, but what can you do! Then Dave brown took a photo of me and my litlle group, which made me imensly happy, THEN RICH!The video does most of the talking but it was still great, he spoke to me and all! Then mike stuck out his creepy midget hand (he was wearing alot of bling) and i knocked over his water bottle as i went ot shake , i was like "hey" i was going to say "hey mike" but i forgot his name! Dave brown was talking at me alot but i cant remember anything he said, he was talking about Rich not replying to my fan mail i think. Then i saw Julian sitting quietly in the corner. One of the guys i was with had fuill on black and white face paint on (for no reason, weirdo) and noel took a photo of him on his phone, WHY DIDNT I WEAR FACE PAINT DAMMIT! I tried to get a photo with rich but i was out of time, and then it was over! SO SUDDEN, i was walking around in a drunken haze trying to find my group, drunk off fame.

and thus my haloween was nearly over,
then some creepy kid dressed as SATAN THE CLOWN, fully equiped with blood (real i think) and axe knocked on the door! Sam saw him, half smiled and ran to the wall pressing himself up against it, SAYING "oh my god its a trick or treter what do we do" we didnt have anything even remotely candy like and no one had the guts to go to the door, so i grapped a fairtrade banana ran past the glass dorr with the kid bhind it and got my optomus prime hmet and opened the door, I cant remmebr eaclt what i said cause i was so embaresd being one of those wankers that gives children fruit on haloween, but it was along the lines of " Hello child (in a semi optomus prime voice) We have no candy here, only this banana!.... take the banana! im sorry we only have fruit here" then when i thought was over lisa was standing behind me, saying "arent you going to do a trick" then the childs parent/brother told the evil clown boy to dance, which he did, then i said happy ahlowwen and closed the door. I dont think the child SAID anything, maybe he just wanted a cup of sugar or some milk, maybe he wanted much much more...

Haloween was concluded with watchin The X factor with sam, which was about the scareist thing i did all day, those twins Edward and whats his face are truely awful. I was so wied i went ot bed at 9.30 and didnt wake up for a long time.
TODAY I woke up and went to Xcape (which is one of the most horrible places on earth- think indoor skiing and tons of video arcade games- actaully that makes it sound pretty sweet, BUT ITS NOT) we played some put put gold and went to an expensive japanese restaraunt, man am i sick of having to fork out money for things that i would never normally buy, i looking foward to that when i get home. I lsot badly at put put- which was to be expected seeing as though i never win at ANY sirt of activity that requires even the slghtest bit of co ordination, unless its thumb to button coordination.

I have to meet up with Austin tommorow which i really do not weant to do, good luck me.

LOVE YALL!

SEE YALL REAL SOON!

Before I begin, let it be noted that im using a french keyboard and theres also a giant screen eating blotch down one side of the screen.
I have written this guide from my two days of experience in paris.

THE KEYBOARDS
the a and the q are switched, as are the w and the y as are , and m for some reason. Also you have to hold down shift to get numbers and full stops and commas and just about all the useful keys;,;ù*$

THE PEOPLE
Opposed to contrary belief the French are not rude, until you try and talk to them. Parlayvoo Onlglé (or how ever youre meant to spell it, Ive only just learnt to read basic words) will only get you so far- and in the majority of cases any futher attempt of communication will likely result in laughter in your direction. Also they spit qlot.
The men all have stubble, are balding and usually wear glasses; much like Sam Simmons. The women are pointy, thin, blonde and should not be confused with sticks or branches.

THE CITY
Is disgustingly clean, too Clean, as in your in constant danger of being run over by a street sweaper clean! Seriously; too clean! There are Rats (ive seen them at night in the park)with many pidgeons.
Eiffel tower is as good as youd think, although theres about a hundred (and thats a fair estimation) eastern Europeqns with rings of crappy overpriced eiffel towers for sale, each of them selling the exact same thing! I found if you dont look at the tower, they assume your a local and dont hassel you. HANDY TIP
Notre Damn is amazing, the Sacre Cuer is less amazing and the Patheon is even less amazing!

FOOD
I wouldnt really know because I sure as hell cant afford it! A baguette zith ham and butter are like 3.5 euros, about $6, but they are pretty damn good!
And you CAN get beer qt McDonalds, I saw it with my own two eyes, i didnt get it though cause a)somehow washing down a big mac and fries with a half pint of Kronnenberg from a styrophome cup seems absolutly disgusting, a big mac is disgusting enough and b)Ordering a beer at McDonalds makes me feel like an alcholic.
The cakes and pastries LOOK amazing, but cost upwards of $8 a pop, Ill have to have one sooner or later; they look highly inedible too, like theyre made oh some sort of shiny volcanic rock.
Cheese is also frequent, and disgusting, ever since i dared myself to eat like half a kilo of blue cheese at work i just cant handle smelly cheese, not even Bree!

DRINK
Wine is CHEEAAAPP; drink it by the Litre, I APPROVE, as ive recntly discovered that a little red wine goes a looonng way. Two small glases got me tipsy the other night! Maybe cause my body isnt used to it. Or maybe it was because it was 12 at night; i had just got off a plane from Belfast and I had only eaten a snickers all day.... hmmm CONFLCTION

THE LANGUAGE
Can be nice, but is mostly annoying. French people laugh like wankers: mostly because they ARE wankers. I can barely read the names of places and my vocab extends to
Hello, Good evening, thanks, thanks very much; goodbye; yes; no; pardon;not too bad, excelent and Road.
The word Road is rarely useful.
oh and wollah!

CLOHES
People Really do wear those stupid hats that i cqnt remember the name of cause im very tired!
I really must buy some piece of clothing apparal while im here- for the obvious reasons of having children; allow me to explain using an hypothetical situation; Im wlaking down, errr lets just say... Junction Street In nowra (cause Junction Street just reeks with hypothetical situations)- "Hey Man (says hot Lady) Where did you get THAT particular item of clothing!" to which i reply "Paris of course!" to which she replys " OH WOW, GOSH, BARE MY CESARIAN CHILDREN!" and THAT ladies and gentlemen, is how its done.

THE METRO
HOT BUSY AND SATISFYING, jsut liket eh tube in ql,ost every way except its filled zith PHHH the french!
I like it.

OTHER
than thqt im very tires and now have to go to sleep at my

HOSTEL
which tend to NOT be in the red light district for a change!

GOODNIGHT

Oh I also got Stood up tonight, i was going to meet a girl that i met in Paris last time I was here, and she wasnt at the hostel! I waited for half an hour and she just didnt show! Ive never been stood up in my life! I dint knoz how to feel, so to make myself feel better I bought a Large Big mac meal from McDonlads zith chips and coke and ate it Outside the Notre Dam, which was real purty at night, THEN I REALISED THAT ENTRY WAS FREE (its usually like 10 bucks)
then i wnet into it and there was a lidly interesting film on inside§ WOZERS

I just wrote this email to my parents but thought i should share it to the world instead of letting my filthy guardians hog all the love.

Marlies (the german woman im staying with on a horse farm in Normandy, france FYI) and her german counterparts have had me working like a dog, im really not used to physical labour!
The first day i mowed a crap load of grass for like 5 hours, then piled ALOT of treated pine into a horse van, the next day i moved said treated pine into a large bin (with the most aching muscles ive ever had) then cut more grass, then helped an australian builder construct some appartment marlies is building for the rest of the afternoon till about 7pm and manaed to escape with just minor wounds. I learnt alot about drilling things to planks and inserting isulation bats, at least it was satisfying unlike shifting wood.
Today me and the germans and the italian guy went around the paddocks collecting large quantaties of you guessed it! WOOD, AND IT WAS SHIT HARD, we did like 3 tractor-truck fulls. THEN I CUT MORE GRASS then helped italian man put alot of old files and paper into a van. im not even getting payed for this- at least i sleep well.

Just had my dinner.
When your sitting down at a table set for two with a 34 year old italian professor teacher of yoga named who speaks no english, eating the risotto that he just cooked special for you, at a horse farm in the middle of rural france, you cant help but ask yourself- What the hell is going on.

THAT WAS THE EMAIL

OMG the italian guy just read this entire post over my shoulder, i think he understood it! He laughed, and corrected me on his age. 34 not 35.

Now onto more pressing matters, IVE ONLY GOT THREE WEEKS LEFT! count em THREE
I GONNA PLAY SO MUCH GAMES!
I hope coming home isnt an anticlimax!
OH RET AND JESS- i have a special favour to ask, but actually ill save it until you come and pick me up, cause i might now feel like it after a 24 hour flight. REMEMBER- MONDAY THE 9TH AT 8AM, be there be square.

Off back to paris in a couple of days, dont really know what ill do there- Requests anyone- keeping in mind ive allready peed at the top of the Eiffel tower,what else is there to do? Eat a snail? Blek

OH and most important of all- I got a mario-pirate fag free in this months issue of N-gamer (a nintendo magazine that ive been buying every month If your interesed-its the only way i can get a game fix without actually playing any games)

Oh i hear ret is having a party, Will it be grand?! Just a word of warning- make sure not everyone turns up with a bottle of the same stuff- The last thing we want is to end up with 18 bottles of mango midori, "Ill have a pint of midori!" lol I think thats from Shaun of the dead?
Oh while were on that subject- doesnt anyone want any Duty free Shiz from the airport- Im pretty confident that they have vodka, gin , malibu, shit loads of Baileys, kaluha, bacardi- hell i dunno- Its just cheaper- PLACE YOUR ORDERS NOW! I only charge 50% commission!
The only ting ive ever bought duty free was a large tube of smarties, actually now that i think about it, i dont think it was even duty free. BUT I WAS FROMA DUTY FREE SHOP PATRICIA!

And to finish, a haiku,

I fight a big fish,
It slowly beats me to death,
Stupid angry fish.

Well so ends the 2 week roller coaster ride that was Ireland. I had some good times and some bad times- Bad times mostly including me forgetting to take the money from the ATM machine- NICE WORK BEN YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT!
I was juggling between going to Belfast for the night (which id allready booked and payed for ones nights accomidation) and though- NO id rather stay in Dublin for the night and not cath the bus. MISTAKE NUMBER ONE cause i just had a fairly average night indeed with my australian friend Emily- who im a little bit sick of now after spending the last 5 days with. But that would be OK if i didnt leave 40 euros sticking out of an atm machine- thats like $70!!
I was standing at the checkout desk opening my wallet to pay for my nights accomidation when i realised my wallet was unusually empty considering i just stopped at an ATM. I Seroisuly just dropped my pack right there and then and said to the guy i was paying- "AHHGRAAPH!- ILL BE BACK IN A MINUTE" and bolted out the door running down the street as fast as my straight legs jeans would take me, arrived at the atm- out of breath and asked the people at it if theyed seen my money! and WHATDYA KNOW they saw some boys hanging around it earlier- SO I RAN UP THE STREET and caught up to this small group of horrible 13 yearish old kids. OMG I KNOW YOU HAVE MY FUCKING MONEY YOU SMARTARSE LITTLE SHIT FOR BRAINS- NOW FORK IT OVER! But they just carried on being little fuck heads pulling fake guns on me and telling me if i gave them a fiver theyd find the guys that took it. i was tempted to beat the living shit out of all of them - but the garda were near and there wasnt much i could do.
SO YEAH im glad thats out of my system-
OTHER than that i had a pretty good day- went to the guiness storehouse whcih was very cool- and had my complimentry pint of guiness- which i really could not stomach at 12 noon, bought some souvaneers for YOU GUYS BACK HOME.. well one lucky person, HA!

Came back from a crazy night in Galway the other day. I actually went clubbing- for the second time in my life- it was pretty fun- they even played queens of the stoneage A++ as jess would say. the club was called CUBA andthe drinks were absurdly expensive and there was some guys dressed as a pirate giving out free shit. You should have seen me carving up the dance floor- HA LOL- no but it was pretty fun, there where 4 of us- Emily (as before mentioned) and Amon and Ash- two aussie siblings travelling togeht- we had some fun times. The whole night topped of with a visit to SUPER MACS- which i have concluded is the worst fast food chain IN THE WORLD- i can highly not recommend a MIlky Moo sake, which as apealling as it sounds, is so think you strain very hard to get it up through the straw- and when you finally do!! IT PRETTY AWFUL!
ALSO WENT TO THE DINGLE PENISULA!

FUNGEI THE DOLPHIN WASNT THERE- WOOOO!!!!

CANT BE BOTHERED TO GO ON

RING OF KERRY
CLIFFS OF MOHR
BLARNY STONE
KISSING STONE
ANNOYING AMERICAN- HOT FUZZ
PLUS MUCH MORE


so im off to paris tommorow- OOOO LALALA
I dont really want to go, but its ok- i just wasnt to relax for a few days- but most of all i just want to come hooommmeeee!

travelling really stresses you- finacially and emotionally, and for a guy that hates making decisions by hiself, WELL you have to make ALOT of decisions by yourself, including wether or not you choose to take the money out of the ATM!

So im in this place called Ireland (killkenny) and i check into my hostel and there like 6 other australians there, Jesus christ!
If there one race of people I never want to hang out with when travelling overseas, its Australians. Oh, and guess what they where doing for there friday night? THATS RIGHT, GOING TO THE DOG RACES! FUTILE
So i decided to hang out with a couple of german guys instead and watch the the transformers movie, I forgot how terrible that movie is, and drink cider.

Next day i went to the castle and went on a long walk, I listened to the only two Bjork song i have on my phone again and again for some reason, and now i like Bjork. I seriously think this trip has compramised my sanity. Soon i wont just going to the castle, ill be pissing off the top of it!(Well ive allready done in the Rhein)

So last night (yes it gets wierder) I gave myself a misssion, to go to a pub, any pub, alone or not and drink i a pint of the famous Killkenny (cause your only in killkenny once right).
I ended up going with a small Japanese girl called Djoko or somthing like that, i cant really pronounce it in typing. It wasnt a fantastic night, but it definatly wasnt boring! For a tiny asian she sure can drink pints fast! She came from Tokyo (AWESOME), heres some thing i learnt about Japan!

1. they have minor earthquakes every week
2. Sake give you a bad hangover
3. Ummm its expensive

WOW- INSIGHTFUL! im sure there was more

so now im in a place called Cork, famous for- you guesssed it!- NOTHING

and now im reaeeaaaeelly hungry, i had to catch a five hour bus from killkenny to here and ive only eaten a packet ofcheese and onion crisps and bowl of cornflakes.

FEWD!

OMG I LOVE ARTSCAPE!

I cant watch it though.

i was lying in bed last night, and i heard ross noble comming form the other room! and then i got up!
and my uncle was him, and it was a documentry on his australian tour, the one that we went to see! but he didnt go to wollonong in this episode, cause that would be covered in the second part, which i will never see cause Im in Ireland now and they dont have TV here yet cause theyre all European and shit and stuff.

I LOVE THE IRISH ACCENT, its amazing, i want to have sex with it! i want to bear its children and shit and stuff. I asked a girl where the connonly street bus stop was, and i crumbled like a bag of brazil nuts, and then i asked a police officer where Malbrough street was and i wanted to hug him until guiness came out his arse!
I also helped some old drunk irish man up after he fell over on the bus, he was very drunk!

I dont know what im going to do to night, theres no one around to talk to as of yet, and the only guy/girl in my room is asleep with a pillow over their face. meh, i think ill just explore for tonight (i just wrote sexplore, huh?)

I sat next to a small irish/australian girl on the plane over and her mum, they were really friendly and she gave me an idea of where to go in Ireland, ill probably go kiss the Blarny stone at some point. KISS IT GOOD. The small irish girl loved father ted AND black books and The IT crowd (she was only like 8) and was "practicing her swear words" she was very sweet!
oh and speaking of black books I totally went there!
i dont think i can upload a photo cause of computer restrictions though, but i did get a photo of me outside of it!
I went in as two people where walking out, and there was this werid quiet guy sitting there on a computer, ( the shop obviously isnt the same inside) and i was like (in the nerdiest way possible) "so this is where black books was filmed isnt it!" and hes like "yes, it is"
and im like "well OBVIOULSY they didnt film it inside, it much bigger than this!"
and hes like "yes thats right"
and im like "i bet half your customers are only here to see the shop from tv" (which i imediatly realised wasnt a nice thing to say" and hes like "well"
and then i left to get a photo taken from two other tourists that where there fro the same reason.
the shop only sold really expensive 1st edition stuff, It was like walking into someones cluttered office, so i didnt buy anything, the man was extremely unhelpful.

And now im in Ireland, and will be travelling SOLO for the next 31 days and 31 nights... EEP!

One taget destoryed, ZERO casualties, my proudest day!...
...its happened again match.com has too many women!...
...and now back to the cricket.
TV is good!
Im sick of

ERR i just loaded my last saved draft and thats what came up: i think its ads from uk tv

Im in morocco right now and just now the call of the Mosc started to ring out for the 3rd time today!
Its ramadan ATM which means we dont eat alot druing light, which is a bit of a drag
dont worry it will be over soon with a day of feasting! unfortunatly that means lots f cous cous and Tarjines which i never ever ever want to see ever again.

typing is hard so i will keep this short

Should i buy a new laptop! IM UNSURE also when should i come home QUESTION MARK

id make a poll but i dont have enough freinds for it to be worth it

i have eggs for the first time in ages! about future study, work, travel, freinds ,computers and money.
i just dont know what to do, now more than ever

HELP ME ALLAH!!

ill be in Irelqnd in a couple of weeks which SHOULD be good, but i dont know what ill do for é or week

Kay im off to buy water for my family, BYE

Im using the last 7 minutes and 36 seconds of my intenet credit to post about things.

Ive just come back from the Highlands of scotland it was pretty neat! I felt like i was in a computer game the whole time, and we found a Gaelic radio station, thats pretty kickass, Eh?
We found castles and mountains and shit and mushrooms...

now im back to Arran (the place where i worked) to spend a bit of time with Austin and co. before heading back down to london, to meet with my parents.
The Whales then Morocco.

Aslo i spent time recently with abnoxious relatives that i didnt know i had.
The childen loved me, so much....

"BEN, Have you ever seen a lesbian? Have you got any lesbian freinds? Have you seen them kiss? Do they have babies? Have they TRIED to have babies? Have you ever seen a prostitution place? Did you go in to it? How OLD do you have to be? ETC ETC

OH GOD

thats all..

Let it just be said: that I never really DID learn how to juggle- Well mabye a little bit. I can do about 8 before something breaks or i a drop a ball and start calling myself a failure, spiraling into deep depression.

Off to see Sam Simmons tommorow! He better be good and not be shit. Either way im goona get his austograph onto somthing, probably another pair of shoes. Shoudl i do that? I think i should.

Also i have to now decide RIGHT NOW the next month of my life which is stressful for a guy so scared of decision making that even the idea of picking one of the 18 different dressings at subway calls for graphs comapring flavour against calories etc etc

ASLO I GET TO SEE MY MUMMA TODAY! I wont get her autograph cause i dont really want it! But im looking foward to seeing her again, mabye shell buys me a laptop, why , because i love her?
That will never work. I can always try though!

I met up with this girl i met in Frankfurt Red Light District and i met with ehr and some of her friends for drinks at a bar in glasgow called...

SOLID rock cafe http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3146/2947862192_b167e9ddec.jpg

i forgot the name... anyway we saw Mick Jagger there which was cool i guess. He tried to swallow us whole with his enormous mouth part.
Then we went to some persons flat and drank... more. Skipping the fine details it was sade to say that i was plastered.
But i woke on a padded surface of some kind the next day and felt fine! Then i ate a toasted sandwhich. And then this girl called sarah could play the Hollyoaks theme song on the guitar and it was amazing! You probably dont know what holyoaks is, basically crap neighbours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fx1Nod37Tg

MEW NEW MIDLLYE MIN NEW MEW!

GENIUIS

TODAY ON HOLLYOAKS- TEENAGERS ARE ANNOYING

Thats reminds me of big brother!

9:49 pm, some of the house mates are complete wankers.

Youd only get that if you watch the show, which you dont want to do.

Ok clearly im grasping at straws here so id better end it there.

My dream last night was basically me fighting Yawn (the giant white snake from Resident Evil).
I was fighting it, shooting it in the head with the shotgun, except it was in third person perpective, more like i was playing the game rather than in it.
And then i shot some explosive barrles, and my brother was there all of a sudden and said "yeah- i wouldnt do that" and then half the place blew up and we fell into another level, in which i was still fighting the snake! So i dont know why i shouldnt have done that!

THE END

For all those who miss me, here some photos of me and other crap...

( ENJOY )

Once upon a sexy teim there lived this guy right. He name was (and still is to my knowledge) Dan From Form Of Rocket. Thats right! He's name actually has three middle names. But thats beside the point.
You see Dan Rocket wasn't like all the other boys. He loved drums. And not 'loved' as in loved to play, but he physically loved his drums. Of course he had no idea how to play them. His parents bought him his first drum kit when he was 12, but how was he to know that it was a musical instrument and not some elaborate sex tool!
Unfortunatly one night when he making Snare-bass love to Yamaha (which he asumed was its name from the writing on the front) he got his errr "drum stick" caught in the symbols- needless to say it was many a year before Dan ever felt such a magnitude of love for any one or anything again.
15 years passed before his best friend Jepha That Guy From The Used (who had an astounding FOUR middle names) explained to Dan the truth.
"Umm like you see Dan- errr- ummm - im from Salt Lake City Utah and -uhhhhh- well- in Salt lake City Utah you ahhhh- like - like - you hit the drums- but not like 'hit' like id like to hit that Bert McTakesalotofsrugsandshit who lives down the road, i mean like, uhhh 'hit' as in like hit... you know"
Dan did not know, but after a few more hours of Jepha's Tattoo induced ravings (which as it happened were mostly based on the subject of corn) he did finally understand.

A few months later while Dan was asleep on the coach after a solid 19 hours of playing Mario Kart. Bert, Jepha, Quinn (a shady looking character from Mexico City, Mexico) and some other dude whos name is neither good nor important- formed a band called The Disposed. Quinn had insisted they named the band after his Family name, but "The Shady Mexicans" Didnt have the same ring to it- so they Stuck with 'the disposed'.

When Dan woke to find he had been beaten by bowser yet again, and come in at a dissapointing 5th place- he was not happy- But upon hearing the news that his freinds had started a Jazz Band, was delighted, and asked if he could join! Of course they said no- i mean- whos ever heard of a five piece jazz band. And besides, Dan could only play one instrument (the Basoon), and he didnt play it very well.

Hed learnt the Basoon briefly at High School, when his parents forced him into joining the school band.
And i say briefly as it was only a few rehersals in that the conductor discovered that Dan was not so much blowing the basson but attempting to give it oral sex.

Over the next few months 'the Disposed' went on the achieve moderate fame- even making it to the front cover of "Jazz Bands That Are About As Famous as a Jazz Band Can Get" And in 2006, won their first award- the silver Jazz Flute.
Dan never really got over the fact that bowser beat him, and in his frustration gave up mario kart all together- this was not a bright day in the history of Dan Rocket- for this was the day that Dan picked up his drumsticks for the first time in years- thats right- this was the day that Dan started plaing 'Rock Band'.
Dan quickly ascended though the ranks of Virtual Rock Stardom, mastering Expert Difficulty in a matter of weeks.
Armed with a musical knowledge of the drums far exceeding that of any videogamer known, Dan knew he was ready.

Marching Up to Bert he demanded that he was given another chance- "I demand another chance!" he demanded.
Bert raised his mechanical larynx to his throat and in a robotic voice said "WELL IT IS FUNNY THAT YOU SAY THAT DAN BECAUSE OUR BASOON PLAYER JUST DROWNED AT OUR UNDERWATER GIG IN TORONTO- HA HA HA"
"But Bert i dont play the basoon any more! I play the drums now! Ive been practising and everything!"
"BUT DAN- YOU MUST UNDERSTAND WE ALLREADY HAVE 2 DRUM PLAYERS- YOU KNOW THAT"
"Dont you have room for one more? Please Bert ive worked ever so hard"
bert was evenutually swayed but soon regreted his choice.
The Band soon toppled from the charts- in seemed that 4 piece 3xDrum/Flute Jazz Bands no longer had a Place in modern Pop. and in late 2007 the Disposed faded from all musical knowledge without a trace...












However a giltter of hope still remained and the candle that was "the disposed" was never completly snuffed out...
After a musical overhaul and ALOT of drugs, the band reformed. No longer where there 3 dummers and one Trachea damaged flute player- thats right- the drummer total was now 4.
Under the new Banner "The Used" they quickly became noticed in the underground music scene- Who was this mysterious 4 piece drum band? The lack of incoherence within their music captivated thousends and The Used quickly rose to their previous fame, winning 1 Grammy!

Rapidly the musical industy became cluttered with hundreds of wanna-be Drum Bands. The band took on new dynamics when Bert once again decided that the band should take a new direction- and so they became the boring 4 piece Rock band that we know and love today.
Quinn soon realised his ability for picking at his own big fat Mexican arse translated quite nicely into picking at the Guitar.

Jepha, suffering mild paralysis of the arms from the amount of times he had been injected with ink(and being the loathsome boarder line retard that he was), was given the Runners up prize of Bass guitar.

Bert found his fame in his unique zomibe like Smokers Voice Box style of singing/wailing- and was deemed "capable" by the rest of the band of becomming the Lead singer .


And what ever became of our protogynous Dan Rocket?- Well he never Did beat Bowser in the 150cc Star Cup- but he did make 3 new friends- and learnt that drums are not only good for sex- but make awesome dinner tables as well.

THE END


JUST SO YOU KNOW JESS- THIS IS LIKE THE §RD PIECE OF THE USED BASED FAN FICTION I HAVE WRITTEN. (and its over 1000 words)

I hope you all enjoyed.

Wirklich Wilkommen aus Deutchland!

Ok for the last 3 days most of my communication to others has been in german! That is to say- i have to been communicating alot with my limited german capabilities- but ive got enough to live off! I can ask for a sausage in german! TRUE STORY
I arrived in the beautiful aiport of weeze (which i only found out the night before i left that weeze was just about closer to amsterdam than where i actually wanted to be) and in a blind tourist haze managed to catch the correct bus to Dusseldorf! It as a very strange experience landing in a non english speaking country, for one thing i almost had a panic attack when the bus started driving on the opposite side of the road ( i am still constantly getting into cars from the wrong side).
Parting with my sweet euros i then caught a taxi to my classy hostel and slept- and so concludes an epic day of outrageous adveture! Oh i got kept awake all night my the most epic snoorer in the world- and that is why i packed earplugs, which i think ive now lost.

I then woke to find that two of the three people in my room were australian!! U TRAVEL TO THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE WORLD AND WAKE UP TO AUSTRALIANS! I exchanged brief pleastries with them and after talking to LORETTA AND JESSICA for about an hour, ate my free breakfast (consisting of toast with jam) and ventured off into the city)
The first and most important thing on my list of things to do in germany was quickly achieved at a chain backery inside a shoping complex- that of course being to eat a giant pretzal. Which i did with great ease- IT COULD HAVE BEEN BIGGER. but it was good. THEN I SAID DANKE; WHICH IS A GERMAN WORD THAT I SAID IN GERMANY.

CITY- BIG- REIN- ALTSTADT- WALKING AROUND AND SHIT- CAFE- EAT- GOOD
At this point i was feelibng alone and sad which is normal for me. But then i did somthing really wierd! I had a permanant marker in my bag so i decided to write all my worries and complaints about life on the hand rail near "the longest bar in germany" along the rein. Something along the lines of " i deserve better... why am i alone... blah blah, and then i hid the marker, wrote down where it was and asked people to respond in a similar fashion.
MORE ON THAT LATER- but it was a strange thing to do and afterwords i felt like a schizophrenic person.
So racked the the pain an isolation of my pitiful meaningless existance i went back to the hosetl were i ran into aforemetioned australians who were just about to "get on it"- So i downed a shot of cheap italian amaretto and decided to join them (them being Harry and josh As well as Clay the 19 year old from texas).
First of all we stumbbled around the city for an hour trying to find a bar that apperntly would give us a shot of jagermeister for free if we presented a postcard that we got from the hostel. Following the pathetic instructions on the back of the card for quite some time we found the bar (whos catch phrase i think ws "we play rock music" only to find that we needed more than one postcard for more than one jagermeister- duh! So i had a glass of Alt. (some german beer) and we left the crappy litle seedy-german-man-bar and headed for the nearest corner store. Fortunatly they were allready drunk as they had been drinking beofre i turned up so everyone was pretty easy to get along with.
We then got about 2 litres of beer for like 4 euros which isnt even $8! THATS ALOT OF BEER FOR YOUR EURO. and u only have to be 16 to by it.
GOT LOST IN DUSSELDORF TAHNKS TO JOSH- THEN I LOKED AT MAP- NO LONGER LOST- MORE BEER- ALTSTADT: It was here than a netherlands huy hit on me! He slung his arm over me and started sluring somthing about free beers and a nightlcub in amsterdamn. all the while im shooting worried looks at the others. I think at some point Clay started talking to him and i felt his grasp on me loosen! NOW WAS MY CHANCE, i ´quickly ducked away to where josh was standing. Now all the atention was on clay. We stood there watching him get futher and futher into trouble and evetuall it was too cruel to watch- i said somthing about the hostel shutting at 1 and we made our escape- but it wasnt easy- LOL clay was ´so neive- comming from texas where homosexuality practically warrents death.
Yeah so we went into some nightclubs- i felt uncomfortable then we left- and eveutally made our way home where we left harry asleep on the couch in the common room of the hostel.
AND THAT WAS MY FIRST DAY IN GERMANY
much more exciting thatn my second which basicall conisted of me sleeping until noon. getting up. showering in the girls showers by accident (and no- nobody else was in there) and the hauling my 20kg backpack about 4 kilometers over to the opposite side of the rein where the other hostel is.
THEN i went back to my crazy writings on the hand rail to which there was: NO REPONSE!!
GOT CAKE- MORE CAFE(KAMPS)- EIN BRATWURST BITTE-

Oh i forgot to mention, the night before i was walking back to the hostel, and all of a sudden i can hear thumping techno music moving though the street. ABOUT A THOUSEND PEOPLE ON ROLLERBLADES SKATING THOUGH THE CITY! some of them had speakers strapped to them, hence the music. But seriously i was standing rthere for like 5 minutes and they just kept comming. it was possibly the most amazing thing i have ever seen.
ANYWAY on my way back to the hostel at the end of my seond day i thought i check my writings again to which SOMEONE RESPONDED! i could not believe it! it was a singaporean couple from singapore- And indeed thay had written their problems and why they where in germany etc. and at the end they wrote the same thing- saying where they hid the pen asking people to tell their story! I felt pretty cool! and i wonder if anyone else has seen it and writen stuff down- Ill never know i guess! I could be famous for the first guy to be an emo in Dusseldorf.
(Ive seen like one emo since ive been here)
So i sat down and watched a girl roler dance to michael jacson- it was really cool.

END OF DAY 2

END OF PART 1!

next: miriam- Does she really have more facial hair than me.... find out soon

I have fianlly made it off the island. Ive had my parties, said my goodbyes to bart to which he replied 'humpy pumpy?' and now im back in good old glasgee.
THE BAD NEWS is i had this going away party in which there were about 20 people crammed into a tiny room and my laptop was lucky enough to have beer spilled on it! It is now(what we call in the buisness) Fucked, there it was stuggling to play music out of usb speakers when bart went to change the song and BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH! then it almost turned back on and the next morning not much happened. In hiensight if i had taken out the battery and dried it as soon as it happened it would probably be fine- but i was drunk at the time.

Then the other night (my last night of work) i worked until 3am on the bar. The other guys from work (who call me 'boy')were hanging around for hours making me make cocktails for them and buying pints for me for after work. Then ehn i finally finished work we all stocked up while we were tipsy. It was pretty funny and then we asked all the managers how much they would work for free to see our general manager ('not gay' Iian) in agony.

SO im off laptop shopping tommorow which im sort of looking foward to but still i dont really want to practially part with all the money that i just saved!
Also im off to germany on wednesday which im kinda shitting bricks about but im only there for 3 or so weeks so ITS COOL!


ANYWAY- BUY ME A LAPTOP PLLEEASSSEE

Ok im in the staff room and im going to comment on everyone that goes past.

Oh theres Sheula, shes a bit of a cow cause she was my boss and now she is giving me the silent treatment cause i quit. She has white/blonde hair and is small, and is scottish.

Jamie! One of the kitchen staff, reminds me of Adam gurkins friend Robert. But hes freindly and always asked how im going. He also quitting! VIVA LE REVOLUTION!

Daniel. He is OOOOKAY i guess, he has a horrible speech impediment and i can only understand half of what he says, its like hes holding his nose internally. He is tall blonde and im not sure where he's from. nasal land probably.

Richard( His full name is Richard Small, and that is NOT a joke)
Not many people like him, he is pretty self important, hes like the only guy that doesnt have to wear a tie cause HE says so. He is also gay and has a gay dog, but he doesnt seem that gay. No one ever gives him cheek cause apparently he can snap and turn into a nut case and yell at you. Ive been trying to get this reaction for a while but he just wont yell at me no matter how much shit i give him. I am imunne.

Some cleaning woman. Short black waving hair. Not very attractive and past her prime.

Lawrence. I got very drunk with him and his friend steve from shefield the other night, we went to a castle and got lost crawling around in some bushes for like half an hour- and then he nearly died. He is an okay guy i guess, a bit to IN YOUR FACE ALL THE TIME though. Sam and him used to be freinds 4 years ago. Spikey hair, a prominent mole and calls himself "buffatron"


MAN i gotta go to wrok in an hour that is NOT COOL!
im basically a barman now but mostly i just polish glasses, not my dream job, although its pretty close! Some stupid kid keeps comming up to the bar asking for 50p coins and i want to punch him in his glasses.

I also spoke to ret yesterday morning! I was barely awake and still and suffering after effects from the night before, I apoligise ret if nothing of what i said made sense,. Something about suzi dancing like a horse?

GO BABY!

It was a little scary talking to the boss about it all, she just interviewed another guy in the same room that im in and im pretty sure she was talking to me as well as him, even though i was pretending not to listen... if that makes sense.

I have to get out of Hospitality man, it rarely works out!
Im thinking Ill probably leave quitely but inside all I want to do is basically say "fuck you" or at least show a little attitude. It not like i want a reference.

Some Hungarian guy that i met like 2 days ago just told me "Im unhappy that you are leaving" I think thats a compliment, it made me feel like it was worth it though.

I have to go off to my man date soon. Should be GREAT!
NEXT STOP GERMANY!

Got woken up at 11:30 today by terrible polish rap music! It was bad, and i was pissed off cause i thought "what the hell is he doing waking me up at 9:00 with this shit", but then i realised how late it actually was and that he probobly thought i woke up ages ago and left the caravan.

Have been trying to organise a plan for the next month or so.
I want to visit miriam in germany but the times are not working out for me- with her leaving to peru at the end of august, dad comming over mid august and also the comedy festival is around that same time AND i have to conisder how long ill be working in this shit hole.
Probobly till the end of the month.

Bart the polish guy keeps yelling out "had a banana" whatever the fuck that means and also "acoona matata" so yeah his vocab extends to disney films and random shit. Oh and he can also say "fuck the police" and just about every phrase that involves the word 'fuck', thats what you get when you hang around kitchen staff all day i suppose.

I went for a 5 hour walk yesterday and got lost on the island, i ended up on some trail that just kept on going futher into the woods, then i found a graveyard, and the i found some huge jelly fish AND THEN I POKED ONE WITH A STICK MOOOOMMMYYY!
And then made love to it.

I get a day off today which is GREAT im gonna play some Red alert 2, and then im going to watch naruto, then im gonna play cards with Bart, and then im gonna go shopping for supplies! Which i enjoy. The good thing is i dont feel bad or restricted spending money cause everything i spend out of my wallet is just money stolen fromtips at work.
i pinched 10 pounds the other day and then found another 10 cleaning up at the end of the night, thats nearly $50 to spend on cereal and milk and cordial and stuff@
GREAT


also help me find acts to go and see for the comedy festival cause i need to make up meh mind!


HAD A BANANA


oH AND ALSO WHEN I WENT FOR THIS WALK THE OTHER DAY, COMMING BACK INTO TOWN I HATE TO WALK ACCROSS A BRIDGE WITH LIKE6 TEENAGERS ON IT AND I WAS SCARED. AND THEN THEY SAID SOMTHING TO ME AND I TURNED MY MUSIC UP AND SAID NOTHING.

so yeah teenagers frighten me. proboboly cause im not one anymore

Ihave question would someone please answer them?

1. Should talk utter nonsense at my ploish roomate just cause i can? Eg 'Through to my chickens laid 19 cakes!!'

2. Should I steal tips and any given opportutniy( by which i mean should i continue to)

3. Should I rent a Pokemon VCR video from the library cause im bored and my TV has a VCR player.

4. Should treat the hundreds of old people that some into dinner each night like babies.

LOVE YOU ALL AND MISS YOU ALL

So i fianlly sucked it up and decided to make another Post.
Lets see what did i do today on my amazing overeas extravaganza! I watched Old episodes of Naruto all day while playing lego! CAUSE THATS WHAT A REAL MAN DOES!
But more importantly i got confirmation from Auchrannie (the hotel i applied for) that I will be working in their fine dining restaraunt GGGUUULLPP! AND I START ON MONDAY!
So basically i will be living there for the next couple of months which is kinda scary but im also excitied BUT MOSTLY EGGS! nah im ok. But ive never done fine dining before - lisa says its really easy- you just stand there with one hand behind your back like a dick and take food out and open wine- I can do that!
http://www.auchrannie.co.uk/eighteen69/

thats the restaraunt if your interested.

Went and visited lisas family again- mildly booring! Wee Paul was there- hes like 8 years old and hes HUGE - height and width! And has way too much energy! hes totally my bitch. REPLACEMENT KRISHNA ANYONE? no i couldnt do that- he sent me an email today and everything!

And now im gonna fine tun my magnificant LEGO robot- hes name is craig.