Before I begin, let it be noted that im using a french keyboard and theres also a giant screen eating blotch down one side of the screen.
I have written this guide from my two days of experience in paris.
THE KEYBOARDS
the a and the q are switched, as are the w and the y as are , and m for some reason. Also you have to hold down shift to get numbers and full stops and commas and just about all the useful keys;,;ù*$
THE PEOPLE
Opposed to contrary belief the French are not rude, until you try and talk to them. Parlayvoo Onlglé (or how ever youre meant to spell it, Ive only just learnt to read basic words) will only get you so far- and in the majority of cases any futher attempt of communication will likely result in laughter in your direction. Also they spit qlot.
The men all have stubble, are balding and usually wear glasses; much like Sam Simmons. The women are pointy, thin, blonde and should not be confused with sticks or branches.
THE CITY
Is disgustingly clean, too Clean, as in your in constant danger of being run over by a street sweaper clean! Seriously; too clean! There are Rats (ive seen them at night in the park)with many pidgeons.
Eiffel tower is as good as youd think, although theres about a hundred (and thats a fair estimation) eastern Europeqns with rings of crappy overpriced eiffel towers for sale, each of them selling the exact same thing! I found if you dont look at the tower, they assume your a local and dont hassel you. HANDY TIP
Notre Damn is amazing, the Sacre Cuer is less amazing and the Patheon is even less amazing!
FOOD
I wouldnt really know because I sure as hell cant afford it! A baguette zith ham and butter are like 3.5 euros, about $6, but they are pretty damn good!
And you CAN get beer qt McDonalds, I saw it with my own two eyes, i didnt get it though cause a)somehow washing down a big mac and fries with a half pint of Kronnenberg from a styrophome cup seems absolutly disgusting, a big mac is disgusting enough and b)Ordering a beer at McDonalds makes me feel like an alcholic.
The cakes and pastries LOOK amazing, but cost upwards of $8 a pop, Ill have to have one sooner or later; they look highly inedible too, like theyre made oh some sort of shiny volcanic rock.
Cheese is also frequent, and disgusting, ever since i dared myself to eat like half a kilo of blue cheese at work i just cant handle smelly cheese, not even Bree!
DRINK
Wine is CHEEAAAPP; drink it by the Litre, I APPROVE, as ive recntly discovered that a little red wine goes a looonng way. Two small glases got me tipsy the other night! Maybe cause my body isnt used to it. Or maybe it was because it was 12 at night; i had just got off a plane from Belfast and I had only eaten a snickers all day.... hmmm CONFLCTION
THE LANGUAGE
Can be nice, but is mostly annoying. French people laugh like wankers: mostly because they ARE wankers. I can barely read the names of places and my vocab extends to
Hello, Good evening, thanks, thanks very much; goodbye; yes; no; pardon;not too bad, excelent and Road.
The word Road is rarely useful.
oh and wollah!
CLOHES
People Really do wear those stupid hats that i cqnt remember the name of cause im very tired!
I really must buy some piece of clothing apparal while im here- for the obvious reasons of having children; allow me to explain using an hypothetical situation; Im wlaking down, errr lets just say... Junction Street In nowra (cause Junction Street just reeks with hypothetical situations)- "Hey Man (says hot Lady) Where did you get THAT particular item of clothing!" to which i reply "Paris of course!" to which she replys " OH WOW, GOSH, BARE MY CESARIAN CHILDREN!" and THAT ladies and gentlemen, is how its done.
THE METRO
HOT BUSY AND SATISFYING, jsut liket eh tube in ql,ost every way except its filled zith PHHH the french!
I like it.
OTHER
than thqt im very tires and now have to go to sleep at my
HOSTEL
which tend to NOT be in the red light district for a change!
GOODNIGHT
Oh I also got Stood up tonight, i was going to meet a girl that i met in Paris last time I was here, and she wasnt at the hostel! I waited for half an hour and she just didnt show! Ive never been stood up in my life! I dint knoz how to feel, so to make myself feel better I bought a Large Big mac meal from McDonlads zith chips and coke and ate it Outside the Notre Dam, which was real purty at night, THEN I REALISED THAT ENTRY WAS FREE (its usually like 10 bucks)
then i wnet into it and there was a lidly interesting film on inside§ WOZERS